


The Curious Tale of the Adventure of Bilbo Baggins, Madman Extraordinaire

by late_sleepers



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Attempt at Humor, BAMF Bilbo Baggins, Eventual Bilbo Baggins/Thorin Oakenshield, Fíli and Kíli Are Little Shits, Fíli and Kíli Brotherly Love, Gen, How Do I Tag, I Tried, I'm Bad At Tagging, I'm Sorry, Possible Character Death, Thorin is a Softie, What-If, and i havent read the book in like 5 years, bc he is, bc i remember the movies better, i was reading lotr and it mentioned that hobbits were good at archery so, idek, it's pretty big, just read it pls, maybe bilbo decides he's too good for anyone, more movie based than book based, ok, or at least an attempt at angst, possibly, precious boi, this happened, wow can't believe i forgot that one
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-19
Updated: 2018-10-20
Packaged: 2019-08-04 11:28:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16345844
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/late_sleepers/pseuds/late_sleepers
Summary: ""Would you care for an adventure, dear Bilbo?" A beat of silence, then a grin spread across the hobbit's face. "Why, I thought you'd never ask.""In a different world, a different universe, a young hobbit might have turned down the offer of a lifetime. In a different world, a wizard would turn to others to take his place but would find none quite suitable enough. In a different world, the Company of Thorin Oakenshield would fail in their quest. And in a different world, Smaug would awaken.But this world is not that world. In this world, well, you'll just have to wait and see.OR the one in which Bilbo is a badass motherfucker who won't take anyone's shit, including, but not limited to, the entirety of Middle Earth.





	1. A Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> o shit waddup. uhhh hi im back for another fic that i may or may not finish idk we'll see. this uhhh this idea came to me when i read fellowship of the ring and tolkien said that hobbits are like fukkin amazing at archery. as uh as someone who both loves the hobbit and lotr, and has background with archery, i thought, "lol what if bilbo was actually like the best at the bow and not the smol hobbit he looks like" so uh  
> this happened  
> idk love it ig  
> this is just the prologue, im counting on this being fairly long in length and im working on the first Actual Chapter rn  
> it should be out in a couple days (unless i die and thats always an option)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The beginning.

To say that Hobbits are homely creatures is putting it lightly. After all, if one is to travel to the Shire, not only would one find an abundance of food, laughter, and pipe-weed, but also an abundance of good-will, hospitality, and generosity. But behind all that, behind the rosy-cheeked, bright-eyed, plump little Hobbits, is a secret that not many Outsiders know. This isn't to say that Hobbits are hiding something ghastly, not at all. Nor do they mean to hide this so well. If one were to ask, they would simply laugh and tell. This secret isn't abhorrent, but it is quite shocking. After all, who would expect such small, innocent creatures to be masters at a bow and arrow?

Our story starts with one of the greatest in the Shire, Bilbo Baggins. Now Bilbo Baggins is quite an interesting Hobbit because he is, in fact, prone to adventurous tendencies. And despite having quite the skill at archery, Hobbits are still at heart soft beings. They are quite content to dance and drink their way into happiness, not caring much of the goings-on in the outside world. Bilbo Baggins, however, was not your usual Hobbit. He much preferred the land outside the Shire to drinking in the Green Dragon. Instead of spending his days laughing, eating, and generally being merry, Master Baggins was known to travel beyond the border lines or else sitting at home, scouring over maps and books. His dream was to one day make it to Rivendell, or maybe even to the Misty Mountains. Yes, Bilbo Baggins was not your usual Hobbit. But perhaps the most unusual thing about him wasn't the traveling, nor the books and scrolls filling his library in Bags End. No, perhaps what made Bilbo Baggins the madman of the Shire (at least, madman was what the other hobbits called him, but we won't focus on that) was his particular skill with the bow.

The art of archery fell out of practice in the Shire many years before Bilbo's time. Of course, there were still renowned Hobbits here and there that still practiced the art, but mostly for sport. There would be competitions, festivals, games in the backyards of families, wherein archery would be a large part of it all, but no Hobbit had used the skill for hunting needs in many years. Bilbo Baggins was the first. His skill with the bow, in addition to his need for adventure and his interest in old tomes and scrolls, served to estrange him from all Hobbits (except, of course, the Tooks). It is obvious, then, that when one Gandalf the Grey was charged with finding a fourteenth member for a most curious band of Dwarves, that Master Gandalf would choose the only being in all of Middle Earth who would not only jump at the chance to go on an adventure but also bring his skills at slight-of-feet, as all Hobbits have, and at the bow.

And this, dear friends, is our story, the story of a curious little Hobbit and his band of curious little Dwarves, the story of how the madman of the Shire finally got his adventure of a lifetime. 

  
This is the story of Bilbo Baggins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so u read it all huh. thats neat. if u uhh liked it or something and uh wanna see an Actual Chapter that has Actual Dialogue and Actual Plot, could u maybe hit to kudos button and maybe even comment. ik its a lot but pls, i need motivation. if u actually even reading this lol. uh if u got this far without being bored to death, maybe idk comment somthing encouraging and helpful bc i get easily distracted but things and i dont wanna stop this SO PLS COMMENT  
> that is all  
> see u in like a couple days?? idk hopefully lol


	2. Chapter One: An Introduction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bilbo meets the Company.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ayo waddup my babs. ya boi back earlier than she thought (i wrote nonstop all day) with the first Actual Chapter. hope y'all enjoy and uhhhh lemme know ur thoughts in a comment. if u got an idea about how this story could go, lemme know. same goes with anything u wanna see happen, i'm taking requests (so long as i wanna see it happen too).

The story starts on a rather lovely morning, the Shire filled with bustling bodies, despite the early hour. The story _truly_ started years before, with the rule of King Thror, but for now, it will do to say it began here, in the Shire, on a peaceful morning just like any other. This particular day was not anything special, per se. At least, to anyone besides one peculiar Hobbit and one peculiar Wizard. Bilbo Baggins, Master of Bags End, was enjoying his early morning ritual on this day, quite unsuspecting of any strange or otherwise peculiar persons coming up to him and requesting he join them on an adventure. Of course, just because he didn’t expect doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. No, indeed, because on this very day, at this very moment, a Wizard was in the Shire.

* * *

 

Bilbo sat on his bench, waving hello to various passersby and blowing smoke rings. Despite his reputation as the crazy one, Bilbo was, in fact, quite friendly, though that wouldn’t be much of a surprise as the entire race of Hobbits were known as the hospitable people. He was just in the middle of blowing quite an impressive ring when a smoke _bird_ flew straight through it. The smoke swarmed Bilbo’s face, his eyes blurring and tearing up. He strained to see who had done that, but there was only one person on all of Arda skilled enough to produce smoke animals.

“Gandalf! So good to see you again, my friend!” Bilbo exclaimed, his face stained with tear tracks. Gandalf’s wrinkled old face split into a smile and he replied, “Ah, so you remember me! Of course, you do, I should never have doubted you, Bilbo.” Bilbo sprang to his feet, quickly saying, “Come inside, Gandalf, you must have journeyed far. Come, let us catch up these last few years,” as he ushered the Wizard inside his smial. Bilbo closed the round green door behind them, offering to take Gandalf’s cloak. “So, old friend, what brings you to the Shire?” he asked as he hung up the cloak on the wall. Gandalf grimaced, “I wish I could say this was a pleasure visit, Bilbo, but alas, I have come bearing grave news and if you’ll hear me, a proposition.” At this, Bilbo bore a grave look on his face and lead his friend over to the dining room table, for he could sense the direness of this visit.

Once the duo was seated, he motioned for Gandalf to continue. “Do you recall, dear Bilbo, the Lonely Mountain? I’m quite certain you’ve come across it somewhere in your old books and maps,” he started, “It was home to the great kingdom of Erebor, the grandest of the Dwarven kingdoms.” Bilbo nodded his head vigorously, “Oh yes, I remember. The fearsome dragon Smaug attacked it, forcing the Dwarves to flee, right?” He shuddered at the thought of Smaug, after all, one wouldn’t wish a dragon attack on anyone, even one’s enemies (well, maybe not). Gandalf nodded in confirmation, continuing, “Yes, yes, Smaug the Terrible, they called him. He tore apart Erebor piece by piece. It was truly a surprise that the Dwarves managed to escape at all that day.”

Gandalf paused, a far-off look in his eyes. The Hobbit, polite as he was, waited for him to snap out of it himself, but when it became apparent he wouldn’t, Bilbo coughed to gain his attention, “Ahem, excuse me, but why are you telling me this, Gandalf? You know I’ve read this all before.” “Hm, yes, well. A certain group of Dwarves, led by Thorin Oakenshield, has decided they want to reclaim the Lonely Mountain. Master Oakenshield tasked me with finding the last member of their company,” the wizened withered wizard stated. Bilbo, being quite an intelligent Hobbit, was beginning to catch on, and Gandalf continued, “Would you care to join me on an adventure, dear Bilbo?” A beat of silence, then a grin spread across the Hobbit’s face.

“Why, I thought you’d never ask.”

* * *

 

Gandalf chose to depart shortly thereafter, staying only long enough to relay the details of the quest to Bilbo and the role the Hobbit would play. The Wizard was almost out the door before he remembered to warn Bilbo of the company he should expect come evening. _A good thing, too,_ Bilbo thought, _because I may want an adventure, but no one cares for unexpected guests._ As soon as Gandalf left his home, the Hobbit went flying around, cooking and baking, cleaning and polishing. It’s a Hobbit’s nature to present the best possible version of themselves.

The first knock came just as Bilbo was pulling the last dish out of the oven. Bilbo wiped his hands on his trousers, uncomfortably aware of every little thing wrong or out-of-place in his home, and answered the door. “Dwalin, at yer service,” declared the tattooed Dwarf on the other side of the Hobbit’s threshold. Bilbo stared for a second before he remembered his manners and replied, “Bilbo Baggins, at yours. Please, come in, supper will be ready quite soon.” The Dwarf, Dwalin, grunted in acknowledgment and shouldered past Bilbo. The Hobbit huffed, a little annoyed at the Dwarf’s obvious lack of manners, but he resolved not to let it stop him from being a good host. “Supper’s in the dining room, just down that hall there,” Bilbo said, watching Dwalin stomp throughout the house, “Excuse me, Master Dwarf, how many are you?” Dwalin picked up a link of sausage and sniffed it suspiciously. “Aye, there’ll be twelve more comin’,” Dwalin grunted in reply. Bilbo stopped in his tracks, “ _Twelve_? I see.”

* * *

 

 

By the time Dwarf numbers two through four showed up, Bilbo was well and truly swamped and more than a little pissed off. They had absolutely no regard for manners, Bilbo had to stop two of them, Fíli and Kíli, from completely destroying his mother’s glory box when they first arrived. When the other eight toppled through his doorway, with Gandalf right behind them with nothing but a sheepish smile on his face, as if saying “Eh, what can you do?” Bilbo had enough.

He managed to corner them all in his kitchen, where they were busy raiding his food, completely ignoring the meals Bilbo had prepared in advance. Bilbo was shaking with barely contained rage as he started, “Excuse me,” and when he was ignored, he said again, “ _Excuse me!_ You people were welcomed into my home, despite being completely _uninvited,_ welcomed to my food! And you, what, decided you deserved better than what I gave you? No sirs, you are only here because I _let_ you stay here! And the _only_ reason you are not being kicked out on your asses right now is that this is my _one chance_ to get out of the Shire! My one chance! I don’t care who you think you are, but you _will behave yourselves._ Do you understand me?”

By the time Bilbo finished his rant, he was breathing heavily, looking as though flames would come out of his ears at any second. The silence that followed his words was heavy like a thick sheet had settled over the room, the only sound that could be heard was Bilbo’s breathing. The Dwarves, to their credit, looked thoroughly cowed, not expecting such a small person to hold that much anger, and not knowing what to do following Bilbo’s outburst. Gandalf, for his part, was tucked away in a corner, wisely deciding against saying anything for fear of furthering Bilbo’s annoyance. The silence stretched on for what seemed like hours before Bilbo finally straightened his back, took a deep breath, and said, “Now, if you would all follow me, supper is in the dining room. And while you’re at it, tell me again your names, if you would be so kind.” He turned and started walking away, but realized no one was following him, so he twisted around and raised a single eyebrow at them all. The company followed him, but not one Dwarf said a word until one with a curious love of knitwear broke the silence, “My name is Ori, Master Baggins, I’m dreadfully sorry for causing you ire.”

Bilbo smiled kindly at Ori, who smiled back. Another Dwarf with quite _interesting_ hair (who gels their hair into star spikes like that?) spoke up, “Nori’s my name, Ori is my brother and this one,” he gestured to another Dwarf, this time with grey hair, “and that’s Dori, my other brother.” Dori bowed as his name was said. “At your service, Master Baggins.” Bilbo nodded in acknowledgment, “At yours, as well, Master Dwarf.” And on it went, down the line.

“Gloin, at your service.”

After a bit of prompting, “Oin, at your service.”

“Fíli-” Fíli’s brother cut in, “And Kíli!” “At your service, Master Boggins!” (At the pronunciation of his name Bilbo smiled but said nothing).

Finally, they reached the end of the Dwarves, where Dwalin and Balin, the first two to arrive, waited. The tattooed Dwarf did not look happy at having to introduce himself again, but his brother just smiled grandfatherly, as if indulging his grandchild, and introduced, “Dwalin and Balin, Master Baggins, at your service. Apologies for what happened earlier.” Bilbo grinned, pleased at the Dwarves for having at least _some_ manners, and replied, “All is forgiven, Master Dwarf, all is forgiven. But if I’m not mistaken, there seems to be one missing. Where is the leader of this operation?”

No sooner had the words left the Hobbit’s mouth when a knock sounded on the door. The _thump, thump, thump_ of a heavy fist on wood silenced the entire company. Gandalf, who had stayed silent this entire time, spoke, his words echoing in the quiet of the smial.

“He is here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the first Actual Chapter is done! my back is a lil bit sore and im hungry (its 2 pm and i havent eaten anything since 8 this morning) but its done! im pretty proud of this chapter tbh. there were some places where i feel it could've gone smoother, but overall its a pretty good chapter to start with. and its like an unspoken rule to end the chapter where the company gets introduced with "he's here" right? i feel like it is. anyway tell me how it is, hit the kudos button if u like it, and uh any and all constructive criticism is always welcome!  
> i'll see u in a few days hopefully!


	3. Chapter Two: The Quest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thorin arrives and opinions are formed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im so sorry this is so late!! this chapter fought me every step of the way and just when i thought i was getting somewhere with it, i came down with a stomach virus that had me bedridden for a couple days (i still cant drink cold water or eat anything terribly rich bc it would "upset" my stomach) but the chapter is finally finished! i wasn't entirely sure how i wanted to go about Bilbo's first meeting of thorin so im not really 100% happy with this but at least its done and i can move onto other things
> 
> speaking of! this is IMPORTANT! PLEASE READ!! i am doing national novel writing month this year, which obviously starts tomorrow, so!   
> i will write for this whenever i can but!! i will be working mostly on that idea for nanowrimo!! ya'll may see another chapter for this in november, but if you don't, know that i am working on something really important to me, and maybe check it out? i haven't decided if i want to post it here or not :/  
> THANK YOU!!

The thing about hosting people in your home is that you generally _know_ the people your hosting. Such was not the case of Bilbo Baggins, who was the host of twelve Dwarves, all of whom Bilbo had never met even once in his entire lifespan thus far. The Dwarf at the door was a tall one, taller than any Dwarf Bilbo had seen (of course, the only Dwarves he had to compare him to were the eleven that stood behind him, so he really had no authority in this particular area). His hair was black, a deep dark absence of color, streaks of silver striking throughout. Contrary to the others, his beard was shorn close, closer than anyone’s (except Kíli’s, but something told Bilbo this was for a different reason than his), and furs wrapped around his body. With his regal posture and his piercing eyes, he painted quite an intimidating picture.

_So,_ Bilbo thought, _this must be Thorin Oakenshield._ Judging from the silence that met his entrance, the way everyone seemed to quell under his gaze, it was safe to say Thorin Oakenshield must be someone important. Thorin stepped across the threshold, glancing around the inside of the smial. Something flickered across his face- approval? Disgust? Bilbo was having a hard time trying to get a read on the regal Dwarf- as he handed his heavy fur cloak off to Kíli. Bilbo cleared his throat, suddenly feeling more than a little nervous when Thorin’s gaze immediately shot over to him. “I presume you are Master Thorin Oakenshield then? My name is Bilbo Baggins, I’m the Master of this ‘humble abode’.” Thorin stared at him, his gaze assessing, and replied, “So, this is the one you spoke of, Gandalf? He does not look like much, let us hope I am wrong.”

Bilbo bristled. “How- What- Excuse me?” he stuttered. Thorin looked like Bilbo had just confirmed what he thought of him. Turning his attention fully to the Hobbit, he inquired, “Tell me, Master Baggins, what is your weapon of choice? Axe? Sword?” He circled the Hobbit as he spoke as if trying to intimidate him into revealing the information. Bilbo glared at the Dwarf, fed up with him, scoffing, “Neither, _Master Oakenshield._ ” He spat out the title, putting as much sarcasm and venom into it as he could. “Hm, I thought as much. He looks more like a grocer than a burglar.” Thorin moved, starting towards the smell of food coming from the dining room, but was interrupted by Bilbo’s next words. “I prefer neither ax nor sword, Master Dwarf, for I find I am much more suited to the bow. And if you had pulled your head out of your own ass, you would have waited for me to finish speaking before making your judgment.”

Kíli snickered at Thorin’s reaction to Bilbo’s words, prompting Fíli to break composure, then Ori, Nori, and Bofur, until every soul under Bilbo’s roof was laughing. Every soul, that is, excluding Thorin himself. Even Gandalf was chuckling, for even Wizards like to join in on merriment. Bilbo, flushed from irritation and exertion, nodded definitively and stomped down the hall, as much as a hobbit can stomp. He didn’t pause to see if everyone was following him like last time, too annoyed to care.

 

* * *

 

 

Some fifteen minutes later, everyone was gathered around the table. Thorin had a steaming bowl of stew in front of him, the Dwarves leaning in eagerly to hear what news he brought. He made them wait an agonizing five minutes, every second feeling like it stretched on for days. Finally, Thorin scraped up the last drops of broth and the last hunk of meat with his spoon and settled back in his chair. Balin looked pointedly at him, him staring unblinking back. “Well?” asked Balin. Thorin sighed, looking as though he just aged ten years, and leaned, placing his elbows on the tabled.

“Dain… Dain will not aid us. He says this quest is ours and ours alone.”

Immediately, all twelve of his companions slump in their seats, their faces painted with fatigue. “That’s it, then, isn’t it. Without Dain’s help, this mission is over before it’s even begun,” announced someone, Bilbo couldn’t see whom from his spot in the corner. That was all it took for the whole room to erupt in shouting, none of it really discernible.

The din carried on and on, each Dwarf shouting over the other, until Bilbo was quite sick of it, and resolved to make his thoughts known. But before Bilbo had the chance, a loud booming voice carried over the rest. Thorin rose, standing tall, taller than possible, his face stormy. “That is _ENOUGH._ Dain may not fight with us and we may not number thirteen but the strongest, or the smartest, but I _know_ we number thirteen of the bravest Dwarves in all of Arda! And there will be those who stand in our way, who oppose us at every turn, but I plan to fight for my home and I hope you all will stand by my side,” the King Under the Mountain thundered.

Silence reigned briefly in the hobbit hole, but slowly, each dwarf rose to his feet to stand by their leader. Balin reached out a hand to grasp Thorin’s shoulder and said, “We’ll be with ya every step of the way, laddie.” Thorin inclined his head as if to say _I know, old friend._ Witnessing this empowering speech and the reactions following, Bilbo’s initial opinion of the King was starting to reform itself. But Thorin Oakenshield still had a ways to go before he could clear his first impression on the hobbit, and the insult he made toward Bilbo’s skill level. _Still, I should give him some credit, after all, for all his abrasiveness and apparent lack of manners, the Dwarf certainly cares for his people, and his home,_ the little hobbit thought to himself.

Unbeknownst to him, the conversation had flowed on and he was drawn out of his thoughts when he heard his name being thrown about. “Well, are you, Master Baggins?” “Sorry, am I what?” he asked. The dwarf who asked the question -Bofur?- scoffed, “A burglar, of course! Are you a burglar?” Bilbo, having not been paying any attention to the goings on's around as he was too caught up in his own musings, said the first thing that came to mind.

“Of course I am!”

 

* * *

 

 

It is a good general rule of thumb that, when faced with the question, “Are you a burglar?” you shouldn’t reply with the exact _wrong_ thing to say. Of course, Bilbo’s answer wasn’t wrong to the dwarves, but, to someone who knew him, it was. After all, the Hobbit quite stopped his thieving ways after he hit maturity. (That statement is not _entirely_ true, but for Bilbo, it’s true enough). The problem, so to speak, lay in that while Gandalf had, in fact, relayed exactly what Bilbo would be doing on this quest, the severity had failed to grasp him until this moment, and he was feeling a wee bit overwhelmed. Stealing the silverware from Lobelia in retaliation was one thing, but stealing from a _dragon?_

Still, the Hobbit had promised Gandalf already that he would go along with this, and the  Company’s reasons for wanting a Hobbit burglar were quite sound. At Bilbo’s confirmation that, yes of course he’s a burglar!, the cheer in the room went up considerably, and it was on that good, or even great (depending on who you’re asking), note, and the signing of Bilbo’s contract, that the newly completed Company of Thorin Oakenshield decided to retire. After all, they had  quite  the journey ahead of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a continuation of the above note ^^  
> if i do post the nanowrimo thingy, i'll post the link on both my tumblr and in this here note that im currently typing up  
> love ya'll bye!!


End file.
